Sometimes I can’t sleep because my mind is riddled with gloomy thoughts, or maybe I watched a horror movie that night, or because I’m anxious about a test the next day. In a desperate attempt to fall asleep peacefully, I start searching for the most calm, pleasant, and joyful thoughts in my troubled mind. The little workers in my brain look through shelves and file cabinets of dreams, thoughts, memories, and emotions. Almost always, they end up picking that one special file. They press play and my mind wanders into the world of wishes and dreams and I start generating various scenarios of what would happen if I finally met him, my soul mate.
After roughly a decade, or maybe even half a decade (if I’m lucky), I imagine finally being on a plane. I would have everything perfectly packed, all my best clothes. Being me, I would’ve probably been planning every single thing for weeks before this. From my outfits to the places we’ll visit to the food we’ll eat. Now, I seem to have some anxiety problems, and while sitting in the plane, I would probably have a mini heart attack every 2 minutes. It would be the most anxious I would be in my life so far. But it’s all worth it, everything. I don’t care how long the flight is, if it was eight hours long, I would be thinking of what we’ll do when we meet at the airport for the whole eight hours. Would we just stare at each other? Shake hands? Run to hug each other? Kiss…? I hope we don’t do the latter, I would just melt in his arms. Oh god, I hope I don’t start crying in front of him, my make up would get all messy and then I’ll look like a monster. Sigh.
Anyways, then I imagine us getting in his car and we would talk and listen to our favorite songs that we used to listen to. We would get more comfortable with each other as we talked about anything and everything. I always loved how it was always so easy to talk to him, it was the easiest thing in the world.
Now of course, I would have a well planned itinerary for us. We would go to beautiful places, eat delicious food, sing and dance and have the time of our lives. Or just stay at home and re-watch Breaking Bad, I would still have the time of my life.
My mind suddenly gets restless again when I start thinking about when we would have to say goodbye when my visit comes to an end. I quickly skip to the further future and start thinking about the glorious time when we’ll actually be living together, in the same damn city. We would go on dates like a normal couple, be friends with each other’s friends, meet each other’s parents. There would of course be lots of hugs and cuddles as well. We would be the annoying cheesy couple that says “I love you” and “I’ll miss you” when one of us has to go to the bathroom. For a while, at least.
And then he would finally propose, and I’ll probably cry. I take back what I said about wanting a grand proposal. I don’t care. But I know he’ll still manage to do it in the sweetest way possible.
And then we would have a nice little wedding, I’ll probably cry then too. I am so sure that he’ll have that look in his eyes when I walk down the isle that the groom has in cliché romantic comedies. We would be the kind of married couple that probably travels a lot. I want to be that kind of couple. We would of course have our lazy days, we both need those. We’re lazy people. But I want to see the world with him. I want to make him try new food, because all he eats is ribs. I would tell his mother to stop buying lame clothes for him, and buy him cool new clothes. We would also enjoy the little things in life like buying groceries, cooking dinner, spring cleaning, watching TV shows and movies, etc.
One day, we’ll be lying down on the grass in our backyard and be looking up at the clouds. And then I’d point to a cloud that looks like a baby, and then he’d point to it too, and then all the clouds will turn into babies, and then we’ll smile at each other. Okay fine, I stole that from Up. I don’t care, it’s the cutest freaking thing ever. Anyways, we’ll paint the nursery together and do other gay things like that.
Fast forwarding, we’ll have like three kids and whenever they loose teeth, we’ll both go into their room and put a coin under their pillow. I always think that he would make the cutest Santa ever. He was born to be the dad who dresses up like Santa on Christmas. One of my favorite things about him are his dad-like traits. He loves kids and he makes the worst dad-jokes ever. But yes, Santa and I will tip-toe to the beautifully decorated Christmas tree and place all the presents for our kids under it. He will eat his cookies and drink his milk, he loves milk. Then we’ll kiss under the mistletoe, and my heart will melt just like the first time we would ever kiss. We would quietly go up the stairs and open the door and just watch our beautiful mixed-race children (two boys and one girl) sleep on their bunk-beds.
I smile and realize that these are the most pleasant thoughts I could possibly have and drift off to sleep…