Train of thought

The output of procrastination – nature's way of keeping me sane.

Happy Thoughts

Sometimes I can’t sleep because my mind is riddled with gloomy thoughts, or maybe I watched a horror movie that night, or because I’m anxious about a test the next day. In a desperate attempt to fall asleep peacefully, I start searching for the most calm, pleasant, and joyful thoughts in my troubled mind. The little workers in my brain look through shelves and file cabinets of dreams, thoughts, memories, and emotions. Almost always, they end up picking that one special file. They press play and my mind wanders into the world of wishes and dreams and I start generating various scenarios of what would happen if I finally met him, my soul mate.

After roughly a decade, or maybe even half a decade (if I’m lucky), I imagine finally being on a plane. I would have everything perfectly packed, all my best clothes. Being me, I would’ve probably been planning every single thing for weeks before this. From my outfits to the places we’ll visit to the food we’ll eat. Now, I seem to have some anxiety problems, and while sitting in the plane, I would probably have a mini heart attack every 2 minutes. It would be the most anxious I would be in my life so far. But it’s all worth it, everything. I don’t care how long the flight is, if it was eight hours long, I would be thinking of what we’ll do when we meet at the airport for the whole eight hours. Would we just stare at each other? Shake hands? Run to hug each other? Kiss…? I hope we don’t do the latter, I would just melt in his arms. Oh god, I hope I don’t start crying in front of him, my make up would get all messy and then I’ll look like a monster. Sigh.

Anyways, then I imagine us getting in his car and we would talk and listen to our favorite songs that we used to listen to. We would get more comfortable with each other as we talked about anything and everything. I always loved how it was always so easy to talk to him, it was the easiest thing in the world.

Now of course, I would have a well planned itinerary for us. We would go to beautiful places, eat delicious food, sing and dance and have the time of our lives. Or just stay at home and re-watch Breaking Bad, I would still have the time of my life.

My mind suddenly gets restless again when I start thinking about when we would have to say goodbye when my visit comes to an end. I quickly skip to the further future and start thinking about the glorious time when we’ll actually be living together, in the same damn city. We would go on dates like a normal couple, be friends with each other’s friends, meet each other’s parents. There would of course be lots of hugs and cuddles as well. We would be the annoying cheesy couple that says “I love you” and “I’ll miss you” when one of us has to go to the bathroom. For a while, at least.

And then he would finally propose, and I’ll probably cry. I take back what I said about wanting a grand proposal. I don’t care. But I know he’ll still manage to do it in the sweetest way possible.

And then we would have a nice little wedding, I’ll probably cry then too. I am so sure that he’ll have that look in his eyes when I walk down the isle that the groom has in cliché romantic comedies. We would be the kind of married couple that probably travels a lot. I want to be that kind of couple. We would of course have our lazy days, we both need those. We’re lazy people. But I want to see the world with him. I want to make him try new food, because all he eats is ribs. I would tell his mother to stop buying lame clothes for him, and buy him cool new clothes. We would also enjoy the little things in life like buying groceries, cooking dinner, spring cleaning, watching TV shows and movies, etc.

One day, we’ll be lying down on the grass in our backyard and be looking up at the clouds. And then I’d point to a cloud that looks like a baby, and then he’d point to it too, and then all the clouds will turn into babies, and then we’ll smile at each other. Okay fine, I stole that from Up. I don’t care, it’s the cutest freaking thing ever. Anyways, we’ll paint the nursery together and do other gay things like that.

Fast forwarding, we’ll have like three kids and whenever they loose teeth, we’ll both go into their room and put a coin under their pillow. I always think that he would make the cutest Santa ever. He was born to be the dad who dresses up like Santa on Christmas. One of my favorite things about him are his dad-like traits. He loves kids and he makes the worst dad-jokes ever. But yes, Santa and I will tip-toe to the beautifully decorated Christmas tree and place all the presents for our kids under it. He will eat his cookies and drink his milk, he loves milk. Then we’ll kiss under the mistletoe, and my heart will melt just like the first time we would ever kiss. We would quietly go up the stairs and open the door and just watch our beautiful mixed-race children (two boys and one girl) sleep on their bunk-beds.

I smile and realize that these are the most pleasant thoughts I could possibly have and drift off to sleep…

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Being Single

Being single can be good, or bad, or maybe even just meh. You are freshly broken up and you feel like you can’t survive without a partner. You’re so used to it, the wounds of heart-break are still fresh and bloody. You need a band-aid, ASAP! You would do one of two things. Either try to get back with your ex and stalk them like there’s no tomorrow, or throw yourself on to some random person just to feel the comfort of being in a relationship again. This, you could say, is the first phase of being single. 

After one or more of stalking your ex, crying to your ex, getting back together with your ex, having sex with you ex, breaking up with your ex for the umpteenth time (you swear this is the last time though), rebound relationships, and random hook-ups with random people to try to get over your ex; with time, you’ll finally start to realize that the relationship has come to an end and you’re kinda okay with it now. You’re content with just spending time on yourself and with yourself. You’re doing your own thing and having fun with your friends. You don’t really feel like getting into a serious relationship right now, you enjoy this pleasant and neutral zone. And best of all, you’re only stalking your ex half as much now. You have officially entered the next phase of being single.

Now that you have spent some time in the neutral, drama-free zone of just you and yourself, you’re kinda bored. You want some fun. But no, you don’t really want to get into anything serious yet. Plus, it won’t be that easy, and you’re pretty lazy. You start talking to people you find interesting, and then flirting with them, and then eventually more (if it gets there). Yes, multiple people, because you’re single. That’s the luxury of being single, you can do whatever you want, you don’t have to be monogamous. Just flirt with anyone, kiss anyone. You start realizing how fun it actually is to be single. You are free to experiment and find out what you like. Oh! You completely forgot about your ex! You haven’t stalked them in weeks and only thought about them like once a day(which is a huge improvement). Congratulations my friend, you have entered the best phase of being single. 

There obviously comes a point when you want something real. You think of the heart-warming feelings you used to have, you want that back. Whether you find it or stumble upon it, your new relationship (the kind that makes you say lame things like “I love you lightyears”) will be worth the heart break and having to find yourself all over again. 

 

 

Anxiety

I’ve been noticing symptoms lately. Shortness of breath, my face getting red, chest pains, increase in heart rate, ears getting hot – as if smoke was coming out of them, that sinking feeling in my stomach, and toothaches, which is weird. I don’t like this because I can’t escape it in that moment. Only after I drink some water and take a few deep breaths does it get a little better. I’m pretty sure these are symptoms of anxiety, even though it seems that this is what happens to people who are love-struck. This is different though. Before, it used to be normal stuff that people would get nervous about, like an important job interview. But now they’re simple things such as going back to college or travelling alone. I like to think that I’m very brave, I’m not afraid of most things. Nope, this isn’t fear. I’m not scared of starting another semester or boarding a plane all by myself. I guess I’m just excited, and not the good kind either. I wondered if I needed any pills as I was running to catch my flight that I almost missed. I guess I’ll give meditation a try, I really need to calm down.

Situations are okay, but I don’t like the idea of people being able to control my mind like this. I love someone. And I had a little fight with him once, I got really upset in a weird way. Some of the symptoms came up, mostly shortness of breath. I had to go out, get some air, use my inhaler, etc. Or maybe it was just the fried chicken I had for dinner. But still, why did this happen right after I had a fight with him? Does it have to do with the mind or body? This happened again a couple of months later when we just stopped talking and left off on bad terms. This time the shortness of breath remained for a couple of days. I thought I had asthma at that point. My mum took me to the chest doctor (yes, that’s what his door said), and he said that I definitely don’t have asthma. It stopped that day but I was still kind of in a funk. This doesn’t always happen. I get into a lot of disputes and stressful situations but it only happens occasionally.

I’m starting to think that people affect me in weird ways. I’m not good at showing my feelings towards my family and friends. It’s hard for me to say “sorry” or “I love you” or “I’ll miss you”. Hell, I couldn’t even say it to my cat. I had to leave him today and I just kinda left, didn’t even say goodbye. I’m just not good at last goodbyes. That was possibly the last time I would ever see him. I just waved to my mom and brother briefly while my dad parked the car. I was in a hurry. And I didn’t want to see my mom cry or hug them because then I would start crying. And that would be weird. I’m slowly realizing that maybe all these feelings just build up inside me, all the things I wanted to say just get locked up. That’s probably where the anxiety is coming from.